Christmas Gifts

Today I came into the lounge to find the cats sitting under the Christmas tree.

“Merry Christmas, human,” they said.

“What mischief are you up to?” I asked them. “If you’re sitting there you better be presents.”

“If you’re interested in the energy usage of your Christmas lights, a 100-count string of incandescent mini lights runs at 40 watts, while a 70 count of 5mm Wide Angle LEDs is approximately 4.8 watts total. In fact, because incandescent wattage is 80-90% more than LED wattage, the cost to power an incandescent can be up to 90x greater than powering an LED. By the way, one of your bulbs is out.” Smudge said.

“Voles make excellent baubles if you hang them up by the tail,” Sheba offered.

“Did you know that every string of tinsel is the result of something shiny that a cat has shredded?” Tizer asked.

“How many needles are on the pine tree?” Treacle wondered.

Several moments of silence passed. 

“I don’t even know where to start with ANY of those things,” I said.

“The best gift is that of knowledge,” Smudge said.

“... Thank you,” I managed. “I’m afraid all I’ve got for you is a scratching post and some milk drops.”

“Your small offering is adequate, human,” Sheba assured me. “Besides, we cats already know everything.”

(Smudge learned about Christmas lights from Christmas Lights Etc)

The Great Escape

Today I returned home to find all four cats waiting in the hall.

"Where have you been, human?" Sheba asked me with suspicion.

I looked at them incredulously. "On honeymoon," I said plainly. "You know, after I got married last week. Remember?"

"Ah, yes, now you mention it, I do recall," Smudge said after a while. "I can only apologise that we had to leave the country for such an occasion."

"You were in the cattery," I reminded him.

There was a long silence.

"... That's what I meant," Smudge said slowly.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Where have you been?" I asked shortly.

"Ignorance is bliss, human," Smudge said simply, as they sauntered away. And, for the sake of a restful afternoon, I decided to leave it at that.

Treeson

Today my breakfast was interrupted by the sound of the cats carting a wagon full of fireworks through the kitchen.

“What’s going on?” I asked them.

“The tree pixies have invaded!” the cats cried, as they pulled the cart out into the garden.

“Are you talking about the woodpeckers again?” I wondered as I followed them through the back door.

The cats stopped the wagon behind a small barricade they had built from cardboard boxes. I looked up at the nearest tree and was alarmed to see what appeared to be a large hive constructed from green crystal.

“Oh dear,” I said. “Should I call someone in?”

“Everything is under control, human,” Smudge assured me, as he let off a rocket. The firework smashed into the hive with a musical crash and sent tiny shavings of emerald showering down around us.

“I’ll take your word for it,” I said, taking a step back towards the house. “But don’t set the tree on fire, please.”

Curling

Today I arrived at the bottom of the stairs to find that the entire hallway floor was covered in a thick layer of ice.

“What..?” I asked, as Smudge came sliding slowly towards me on a curling stone.

Suddenly several highland cows came thundering past the staircase. I leaned round the banister to watch them go.

“Ok, this is probably the worst idea you’ve ever had,” I told the cat.

“We are partaking in a national game with our Scottish visitors,” Smudge explained. “It is a vital element of building relations across species and culture.”

“Right. And why does it have to happen inside the house?” I asked, flinching as one of the cows collided with the end wall.

“Might I suggest, human” Smudge said, as Treacle came spinning over with a curling shoe in her mouth, “That you pick a team? Or at the very least get out of the way and make everyone a cup of tea?”

I took the shoe tentatively. “I guess I’ll put the kettle on then.”

The Circus

Today I was woken by Tizer dropping something green and rubbery onto my face.

I peeled away the balloon and squinted at the cat. "What do you want?"

"Human, we require you to build us a circus made entirely from modelling balloons."

"What?" I groaned, prising myself up from the pillow and seeing the large bag of balloons on the duvet.

"It is a matter of urgency," Smudge told me.

"What makes you think I have those kinds of skills?"

"You have opposable thumbs," Sheba said, "Little else is required."

"Yeah right," I muttered.

"I might warn you, human," Smudge said, "that failure to complete this task will result in the end of the world as we know it. Or at least this household."

A few moments passed.

"Right, find me a Youtube tutorial," I said, and got up to find my dressing gown.

Catellites

Today I asked Tizer how it is that a cat can always find its way home.

"Our brains are wired into a worldwide satellite system," he explained.

"Well that sounds completely ridiculous," I said, "And horribly expensive. Who's funding that one then?"

"Monetary units is a flawed and messy currency," Tizer said. "Cats do not use it."

"Right," I said, "It must be nice to live in a world without such concerns."

"Care to join us?" the cat asked.

"No thank you," I replied. "I'm quite close enough to your world and I feel that immersing myself would require rejecting sanity altogether."

Tizer was contemplative. "Humans are remarkably fond of sanity," he observed. "But eventually I'm sure they will reach our conclusion and agree: it is hugely overrated."

Taking Orders

Today Treacle and I were talking about dogs.

"They must be particularly stupid," she was saying, "To have to learn how to sit and lie down and roll over."

"It's not the actions themselves," I told her, "It's the skill of performing them on demand."

"But that's not a skill at all," she said, confused, "That's just making the decision to listen."

"And here was I wondering why cats cannot be trained.." I muttered.

The Airport

Today I came downstairs to find the cats congregated in the hallway.

“What’s going on?” I asked with suspicion.

“We require a lift to Heathrow airport,” Smudge told me.

“No,” I said simply. Then I noticed something. “Where’s Tizer?”

“He has gone ahead of us,” Sheba replied.

“Oh for goodness sake!” I said, “It’ll take me three hours to get there.” The amount of havoc the cat could cause in that time was not worth thinking about.

I went to get my coat.

“Ah good, we are leaving already,” the cats said.

“No, I’M leaving,” I told them. “I’ll be back this evening. And no using the phone while I’m gone.”

Sound Advice

Today Tizer described to me his hatred of seagulls.

"Might it be best if we just killed them all?" he considered.

"Um... no," I decided, "That would probably wreak havoc with the ecosystems and whatnot."

Tizer looked at me gravely. "Ecosystems do not exist, human," he told me, "They are merely an illusion to suggest order, balance and importance where there is none."

I frowned. "I'm not sure that theory is scientifically sound."

Tizer replied, quietly, "Anything can be sound if you know how to listen to it."

Great White Gifts

Today I lowered my newspaper to find Smudge watching me with an innocent expression.

"The local aquarium are missing a great white," I remarked, eyeing Smudge closely.

The cat didn't reply.

"There is a trail of large teeth leading from the front door to the garage," I said.

A few moments passed.

"The shark has already been dispatched," Smudge informed me calmly.

"Dispatched to where?" I asked him.

"Iceland," he replied. "The exact location is confidential."

I sighed with frustration. "And did you gain anything from this particular transaction?"

"Plenty," Smudge said.

"Do I want to know?" I asked.

Smudge was thoughtful for a moment. "No," he decided finally, "Probably not."

With the Lion Fish

Today I came into the kitchen to find Sheba guarding a small brown object.

"Ok what is that?" I asked abrubtly.

"It is the tail of a platypus, human," the feline replied.

I stared at the tail for a few moments, before asking, "Where's the rest of it?"

"Beneath the floor boards," Sheba said.

"What's it doing there?" I asked, my eyes flitting to the floor and back up to the cat.

"It wanted to swim with the lion fish."

"I doubt that," I said. "You were supposed to get rid of those lion fish last month."

Just then Treacle walked in carrying something that looked suspiciously like an ear.

"Oh for goodness sake," I said. "Can you please put that poor creature back together and send it on its way?"

"The retrieval is in progress," Sheba assured me, as Treacle dropped the platypus ear next to the tail.

Can't Bear The Thought

Today Sheba and I were relaxing in the garden.

"If you weren't a cat, which animal would you most like to be?" I asked by way of conversation.

She was quiet for a very long time, before eventually replying, "Human, I find this game distressing."

'Fishing'

Today I found the cats moping around the house.

"Human why do you never take us fishing?" they complained.

"Because the whole of the British Isles is still recovering from our last excursion," I reminded them.

"We'll behave," they assured me.

"Oh yeah?" I said, "Then what's the plasma gun for?"