Taking Orders

Today Treacle and I were talking about dogs.

"They must be particularly stupid," she was saying, "To have to learn how to sit and lie down and roll over."

"It's not the actions themselves," I told her, "It's the skill of performing them on demand."

"But that's not a skill at all," she said, confused, "That's just making the decision to listen."

"And here was I wondering why cats cannot be trained.." I muttered.

The Airport

Today I came downstairs to find the cats congregated in the hallway.

“What’s going on?” I asked with suspicion.

“We require a lift to Heathrow airport,” Smudge told me.

“No,” I said simply. Then I noticed something. “Where’s Tizer?”

“He has gone ahead of us,” Sheba replied.

“Oh for goodness sake!” I said, “It’ll take me three hours to get there.” The amount of havoc the cat could cause in that time was not worth thinking about.

I went to get my coat.

“Ah good, we are leaving already,” the cats said.

“No, I’M leaving,” I told them. “I’ll be back this evening. And no using the phone while I’m gone.”

Sound Advice

Today Tizer described to me his hatred of seagulls.

"Might it be best if we just killed them all?" he considered.

"Um... no," I decided, "That would probably wreak havoc with the ecosystems and whatnot."

Tizer looked at me gravely. "Ecosystems do not exist, human," he told me, "They are merely an illusion to suggest order, balance and importance where there is none."

I frowned. "I'm not sure that theory is scientifically sound."

Tizer replied, quietly, "Anything can be sound if you know how to listen to it."

Great White Gifts

Today I lowered my newspaper to find Smudge watching me with an innocent expression.

"The local aquarium are missing a great white," I remarked, eyeing Smudge closely.

The cat didn't reply.

"There is a trail of large teeth leading from the front door to the garage," I said.

A few moments passed.

"The shark has already been dispatched," Smudge informed me calmly.

"Dispatched to where?" I asked him.

"Iceland," he replied. "The exact location is confidential."

I sighed with frustration. "And did you gain anything from this particular transaction?"

"Plenty," Smudge said.

"Do I want to know?" I asked.

Smudge was thoughtful for a moment. "No," he decided finally, "Probably not."

With the Lion Fish

Today I came into the kitchen to find Sheba guarding a small brown object.

"Ok what is that?" I asked abrubtly.

"It is the tail of a platypus, human," the feline replied.

I stared at the tail for a few moments, before asking, "Where's the rest of it?"

"Beneath the floor boards," Sheba said.

"What's it doing there?" I asked, my eyes flitting to the floor and back up to the cat.

"It wanted to swim with the lion fish."

"I doubt that," I said. "You were supposed to get rid of those lion fish last month."

Just then Treacle walked in carrying something that looked suspiciously like an ear.

"Oh for goodness sake," I said. "Can you please put that poor creature back together and send it on its way?"

"The retrieval is in progress," Sheba assured me, as Treacle dropped the platypus ear next to the tail.