"If you weren't a cat, which animal would you most like to be?" I asked by way of conversation.
She was quiet for a very long time, before eventually replying, "Human, I find this game distressing."
Wednesday 31 July 2013
Can't Bear The Thought
Today Sheba and I were relaxing in the garden.
"If you weren't a cat, which animal would you most like to be?" I asked by way of conversation.
She was quiet for a very long time, before eventually replying, "Human, I find this game distressing."
"If you weren't a cat, which animal would you most like to be?" I asked by way of conversation.
She was quiet for a very long time, before eventually replying, "Human, I find this game distressing."
Tuesday 30 July 2013
'Fishing'
Today I found the cats moping around the house.
"Human why do you never take us fishing?" they complained.
"Because the whole of the British Isles is still recovering from our last excursion," I reminded them.
"We'll behave," they assured me.
"Oh yeah?" I said, "Then what's the plasma gun for?"
"Human why do you never take us fishing?" they complained.
"Because the whole of the British Isles is still recovering from our last excursion," I reminded them.
"We'll behave," they assured me.
"Oh yeah?" I said, "Then what's the plasma gun for?"
Friday 19 July 2013
Feline Emotions
Today Sheba explained to me that the framework of a cat's emotions is actually remarkably simple.
"Shouldn't the circles overlap?" I asked, "Or it be on some sort of scale?"
"No," she replied. "We simply flit from one to another."
"Right." I said. "But nothing is to any extreme. What about love and hate?"
"Cats know very little of love," she told me, "And as for hate - that is a waste of energy for any creature."
"I see," I said, "Well I think that's most insightful."
"Shouldn't the circles overlap?" I asked, "Or it be on some sort of scale?"
"No," she replied. "We simply flit from one to another."
"Right." I said. "But nothing is to any extreme. What about love and hate?"
"Cats know very little of love," she told me, "And as for hate - that is a waste of energy for any creature."
"I see," I said, "Well I think that's most insightful."
Monday 15 July 2013
Insanity Strikes
Today I was alarmed to discover the cats gathered at the foot of a large lightning tower they had just installed on the roof.
"What on earth are you doing?" I asked them.
"We are experimenting with the electric power of the sky!" they told me.
"Last time you did that, three ships went down in the Bermuda Triangle," I reminded them disdainfully.
"Minor errors," Smudge informed me, as Sheba began using a pulley system to hoist a large bucket of eels up to the roof.
"Right, whatever," I said, retreating into the house, "Just don't damage the wireless."
"What on earth are you doing?" I asked them.
"We are experimenting with the electric power of the sky!" they told me.
"Last time you did that, three ships went down in the Bermuda Triangle," I reminded them disdainfully.
"Minor errors," Smudge informed me, as Sheba began using a pulley system to hoist a large bucket of eels up to the roof.
"Right, whatever," I said, retreating into the house, "Just don't damage the wireless."
Friday 12 July 2013
Power to Please
Today I entered the study to find Smudge looking particularly dejected.
"What's wrong with you?" I asked.
"The Prime Minister has, yet again, turned down my request for unlimited fish and explosives," he explained.
"Look, I've told you: Stop contacting the Prime Minister!" I told him.
He looked up at me forlornly. "But what's the use of having all that power if you don't use it to please cats?"
"What's wrong with you?" I asked.
"The Prime Minister has, yet again, turned down my request for unlimited fish and explosives," he explained.
"Look, I've told you: Stop contacting the Prime Minister!" I told him.
He looked up at me forlornly. "But what's the use of having all that power if you don't use it to please cats?"
Thursday 11 July 2013
The Banquet
Today I came downstairs to find the cats entertaining several dozen of their feline friends.
"Guys what have I told you about having guests round?" I moaned, not bothering to ask how they had acquired the michelin star sushi, "You need to TELL me-"
"Never mind all that," Smudge said, "We demand wine, human!"
"I'm not giving you wine again," I told him, "It's not even 8am!"
"If we were ancient Egyptians we wouldn't even be having this conversation," Smudge said.
"No we wouldn't," I agreed, turning to leave, "Because it's 2013 and we'd all be dead."
"Guys what have I told you about having guests round?" I moaned, not bothering to ask how they had acquired the michelin star sushi, "You need to TELL me-"
"Never mind all that," Smudge said, "We demand wine, human!"
"I'm not giving you wine again," I told him, "It's not even 8am!"
"If we were ancient Egyptians we wouldn't even be having this conversation," Smudge said.
"No we wouldn't," I agreed, turning to leave, "Because it's 2013 and we'd all be dead."
Tuesday 9 July 2013
Moon Kites
"Today we're going to ride kites all the way to the moon!" the cats told me.
"Oh no you're not. You shredded all the kites yesterday," I reminded them.
"Build us a new one, human!" they demanded.
"You'll just shred it again," I told them. "You've got a rocket in the basement. Why don't you just use that?"
But by then they'd lost all interest and were busy building an intricate rope ladder.
"You spent three months building that rocket and you NEVER use it," I scolded, and left them to it.
Fizzy Pop
Today I came into the kitchen to find Tizer bouncing off the walls, in the most literal sense.
"Have you been on the fizzy pop again?" I asked him, "How did you open the bottle...?"
"Glass bottles do not have to be opened at the cap, human," the crazed feline replied.
"Another lesson learned," I muttered as I went to get the dustpan and brush.
"Have you been on the fizzy pop again?" I asked him, "How did you open the bottle...?"
"Glass bottles do not have to be opened at the cap, human," the crazed feline replied.
"Another lesson learned," I muttered as I went to get the dustpan and brush.
Monday 8 July 2013
Imposing Guests
Today the cats opened up another secret passageway in the house.
"Woah guys," I said, "Don't do that again."
"But, human, the wizard is coming!" They cried.
"Oh no, not the wizard," I said, "Why do you always have to have the wizard round?"
"It is Thursday, human," Sheba reminded me.
"Is it? So it is..." I realised, wondering where the week had gone. Then I remembered the accidental unleashing of a monstrous wormhole on the weekend that had swallowed up the last three days.
"Ah yes of course..."
I looked at the passageway, and then at my watch. "I haven't made any scones."
"Woah guys," I said, "Don't do that again."
"But, human, the wizard is coming!" They cried.
"Oh no, not the wizard," I said, "Why do you always have to have the wizard round?"
"It is Thursday, human," Sheba reminded me.
"Is it? So it is..." I realised, wondering where the week had gone. Then I remembered the accidental unleashing of a monstrous wormhole on the weekend that had swallowed up the last three days.
"Ah yes of course..."
I looked at the passageway, and then at my watch. "I haven't made any scones."
Starfishes and Life Lessons
Today Treacle asked me if it might be alright if she became a starfish.
"Starfishes have at least five points," I remarked. "You only have two."
She paused for a moment, before deciding that she could perhaps become half a starfish.
I smiled and told her something that I want her never to forget:
"You can become whatever you want to," I said, "But you might drown."
"Starfishes have at least five points," I remarked. "You only have two."
She paused for a moment, before deciding that she could perhaps become half a starfish.
I smiled and told her something that I want her never to forget:
"You can become whatever you want to," I said, "But you might drown."
Wednesday 3 July 2013
Tiny Tractors
Today Tizer explained to me the reason that cats purr.
"No, Tizer, I'm not falling for that one again," I said.
Though the no brain thing certainly does make a lot of sense...
"We've actually got tiny tractors inside our heads instead of brains," he told me.
"No, Tizer, I'm not falling for that one again," I said.
Though the no brain thing certainly does make a lot of sense...
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