The Great Escape

Today I returned home to find all four cats waiting in the hall.

"Where have you been, human?" Sheba asked me with suspicion.

I looked at them incredulously. "On honeymoon," I said plainly. "You know, after I got married last week. Remember?"

"Ah, yes, now you mention it, I do recall," Smudge said after a while. "I can only apologise that we had to leave the country for such an occasion."

"You were in the cattery," I reminded him.

There was a long silence.

"... That's what I meant," Smudge said slowly.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Where have you been?" I asked shortly.

"Ignorance is bliss, human," Smudge said simply, as they sauntered away. And, for the sake of a restful afternoon, I decided to leave it at that.

Treeson

Today my breakfast was interrupted by the sound of the cats carting a wagon full of fireworks through the kitchen.

“What’s going on?” I asked them.

“The tree pixies have invaded!” the cats cried, as they pulled the cart out into the garden.

“Are you talking about the woodpeckers again?” I wondered as I followed them through the back door.

The cats stopped the wagon behind a small barricade they had built from cardboard boxes. I looked up at the nearest tree and was alarmed to see what appeared to be a large hive constructed from green crystal.

“Oh dear,” I said. “Should I call someone in?”

“Everything is under control, human,” Smudge assured me, as he let off a rocket. The firework smashed into the hive with a musical crash and sent tiny shavings of emerald showering down around us.

“I’ll take your word for it,” I said, taking a step back towards the house. “But don’t set the tree on fire, please.”

Curling

Today I arrived at the bottom of the stairs to find that the entire hallway floor was covered in a thick layer of ice.

“What..?” I asked, as Smudge came sliding slowly towards me on a curling stone.

Suddenly several highland cows came thundering past the staircase. I leaned round the banister to watch them go.

“Ok, this is probably the worst idea you’ve ever had,” I told the cat.

“We are partaking in a national game with our Scottish visitors,” Smudge explained. “It is a vital element of building relations across species and culture.”

“Right. And why does it have to happen inside the house?” I asked, flinching as one of the cows collided with the end wall.

“Might I suggest, human” Smudge said, as Treacle came spinning over with a curling shoe in her mouth, “That you pick a team? Or at the very least get out of the way and make everyone a cup of tea?”

I took the shoe tentatively. “I guess I’ll put the kettle on then.”

The Circus

Today I was woken by Tizer dropping something green and rubbery onto my face.

I peeled away the balloon and squinted at the cat. "What do you want?"

"Human, we require you to build us a circus made entirely from modelling balloons."

"What?" I groaned, prising myself up from the pillow and seeing the large bag of balloons on the duvet.

"It is a matter of urgency," Smudge told me.

"What makes you think I have those kinds of skills?"

"You have opposable thumbs," Sheba said, "Little else is required."

"Yeah right," I muttered.

"I might warn you, human," Smudge said, "that failure to complete this task will result in the end of the world as we know it. Or at least this household."

A few moments passed.

"Right, find me a Youtube tutorial," I said, and got up to find my dressing gown.

Catellites

Today I asked Tizer how it is that a cat can always find its way home.

"Our brains are wired into a worldwide satellite system," he explained.

"Well that sounds completely ridiculous," I said, "And horribly expensive. Who's funding that one then?"

"Monetary units is a flawed and messy currency," Tizer said. "Cats do not use it."

"Right," I said, "It must be nice to live in a world without such concerns."

"Care to join us?" the cat asked.

"No thank you," I replied. "I'm quite close enough to your world and I feel that immersing myself would require rejecting sanity altogether."

Tizer was contemplative. "Humans are remarkably fond of sanity," he observed. "But eventually I'm sure they will reach our conclusion and agree: it is hugely overrated."

Taking Orders

Today Treacle and I were talking about dogs.

"They must be particularly stupid," she was saying, "To have to learn how to sit and lie down and roll over."

"It's not the actions themselves," I told her, "It's the skill of performing them on demand."

"But that's not a skill at all," she said, confused, "That's just making the decision to listen."

"And here was I wondering why cats cannot be trained.." I muttered.

The Airport

Today I came downstairs to find the cats congregated in the hallway.

“What’s going on?” I asked with suspicion.

“We require a lift to Heathrow airport,” Smudge told me.

“No,” I said simply. Then I noticed something. “Where’s Tizer?”

“He has gone ahead of us,” Sheba replied.

“Oh for goodness sake!” I said, “It’ll take me three hours to get there.” The amount of havoc the cat could cause in that time was not worth thinking about.

I went to get my coat.

“Ah good, we are leaving already,” the cats said.

“No, I’M leaving,” I told them. “I’ll be back this evening. And no using the phone while I’m gone.”