The Trial

Today the cats came into the kitchen on horseback.

“Hooved animals in the house…” I warned them.

“The human is guilty of treason!” cried Smudge. “Capture her!”

Suddenly Tizer pulled a cord and released a giant cage that fell from the ceiling and engulfed me.

“Seriously guys, what is this about?” I moaned.

“The human is jailed!” Smudge said. “Begin the trial at once!”

Then they all sat in a row and pulled out their wigs.

“I’m pretty sure this is happening the wrong way round,” I said. “And why are you all judges?”

“What is your plea, human?” Sheba asked me.

“If you don’t let me out, none of you are getting fed this evening,” I replied.

The cats proceeded to mutter amongst themselves, before Smudge gave a nod.

“We have decided to release you just this once,” he told me.

“Wow, thanks. I appreciate it,” I said dryly.

“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, human,” Smudge reminded me. “Apart from cat wit, which is lower still, but only because we are smaller.”

The Big Move

Today the cats interrupted my packing.

"What do you want?" I asked them.

"It has come to our attention," Smudge said, "That you are not documenting our lives at adequate efficiency."

"Oh right," I said, piling some books into a nearby box. "Believe me, I would love to you, but I'm quite busy trying to emigrate."

"Our scratching post has gone," Sheba informed me.

"Yes I know," I replied, "It's in a box. Like everything else. It never bothered you before; you're much happier scratching the sofa anyway."

"Human," Smudge said gravely, "I'm afraid that if you refuse to stop this silliness and make things go back to normal, then we will have to begin our protest."

I stared at him, wondering how any of them knew anything about 'normal'.

"Protest?" I said after a while.

"Every night while you are sleeping we will remove one of your eyelashes," Sheba explained.

"You do that and you're all losing your whiskers," I threatened.

A few moments of silence passed.

"The lion fish don't want to move," Sheba said quietly.

"Why are the lion fish still in the house?!" I moaned. "Find them a new home. Now."

Smudge surveyed the box beside me.

"Not there," I told him.

"Very well," Smudge said as they began to saunter away.

I wondered how many eyelashes I had.

Squirrels and Stripes

Today the cats came home covered in black and white paint.

I froze. “Why are you zebras?” I asked them. “Where are the zebras? Are there zebras in the house?”

“Of course not,” Smudge said, as if the notion were absurd, “This disguise was necessary for playing pranks on the squirrels of the silver birches.”

“I really hope your ‘pranks’ didn’t include stealing their food and eating their babies...” I muttered.

“If they didn’t want it taken, they shouldn’t have buried it underground in a public park,” Smudge said matter-of-factly.

“And how are you planning on getting the paint off?” I asked them, wanting to change the subject, “A little trip in the washing machine, perhaps?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, human,” Sheba told me, “You must have us dry cleaned.”

“So much for a productive afternoon,” I sighed. “I suppose I better get my loyalty card then. We’ve made so many trips this year that I’m pretty sure one of you goes free this time.”

Christmas Gifts

Today I came into the lounge to find the cats sitting under the Christmas tree.

“Merry Christmas, human,” they said.

“What mischief are you up to?” I asked them. “If you’re sitting there you better be presents.”

“If you’re interested in the energy usage of your Christmas lights, a 100-count string of incandescent mini lights runs at 40 watts, while a 70 count of 5mm Wide Angle LEDs is approximately 4.8 watts total. In fact, because incandescent wattage is 80-90% more than LED wattage, the cost to power an incandescent can be up to 90x greater than powering an LED. By the way, one of your bulbs is out.” Smudge said.

“Voles make excellent baubles if you hang them up by the tail,” Sheba offered.

“Did you know that every string of tinsel is the result of something shiny that a cat has shredded?” Tizer asked.

“How many needles are on the pine tree?” Treacle wondered.

Several moments of silence passed. 

“I don’t even know where to start with ANY of those things,” I said.

“The best gift is that of knowledge,” Smudge said.

“... Thank you,” I managed. “I’m afraid all I’ve got for you is a scratching post and some milk drops.”

“Your small offering is adequate, human,” Sheba assured me. “Besides, we cats already know everything.”

(Smudge learned about Christmas lights from Christmas Lights Etc)

The Great Escape

Today I returned home to find all four cats waiting in the hall.

"Where have you been, human?" Sheba asked me with suspicion.

I looked at them incredulously. "On honeymoon," I said plainly. "You know, after I got married last week. Remember?"

"Ah, yes, now you mention it, I do recall," Smudge said after a while. "I can only apologise that we had to leave the country for such an occasion."

"You were in the cattery," I reminded him.

There was a long silence.

"... That's what I meant," Smudge said slowly.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Where have you been?" I asked shortly.

"Ignorance is bliss, human," Smudge said simply, as they sauntered away. And, for the sake of a restful afternoon, I decided to leave it at that.

Treeson

Today my breakfast was interrupted by the sound of the cats carting a wagon full of fireworks through the kitchen.

“What’s going on?” I asked them.

“The tree pixies have invaded!” the cats cried, as they pulled the cart out into the garden.

“Are you talking about the woodpeckers again?” I wondered as I followed them through the back door.

The cats stopped the wagon behind a small barricade they had built from cardboard boxes. I looked up at the nearest tree and was alarmed to see what appeared to be a large hive constructed from green crystal.

“Oh dear,” I said. “Should I call someone in?”

“Everything is under control, human,” Smudge assured me, as he let off a rocket. The firework smashed into the hive with a musical crash and sent tiny shavings of emerald showering down around us.

“I’ll take your word for it,” I said, taking a step back towards the house. “But don’t set the tree on fire, please.”

Curling

Today I arrived at the bottom of the stairs to find that the entire hallway floor was covered in a thick layer of ice.

“What..?” I asked, as Smudge came sliding slowly towards me on a curling stone.

Suddenly several highland cows came thundering past the staircase. I leaned round the banister to watch them go.

“Ok, this is probably the worst idea you’ve ever had,” I told the cat.

“We are partaking in a national game with our Scottish visitors,” Smudge explained. “It is a vital element of building relations across species and culture.”

“Right. And why does it have to happen inside the house?” I asked, flinching as one of the cows collided with the end wall.

“Might I suggest, human” Smudge said, as Treacle came spinning over with a curling shoe in her mouth, “That you pick a team? Or at the very least get out of the way and make everyone a cup of tea?”

I took the shoe tentatively. “I guess I’ll put the kettle on then.”